getting hit on at the bus stop
am i the asshole?
Welcome back to The Angle 👋 I’ve been down bad with a cold all week following my second trip to the Eras tour. It was 100% worth it.
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Looking at my very small subscriber list, many of you likely signed up thinking you would be getting a mix of crypto, startups and media content. And I keep veering off course.
This week we are about to go off a cliff and I want to give you a chance to jump before we do. I absolutely won’t be offended if you unsubscribe. (I also promise not to be offended if you randomly unsubscribe some time in the future.)
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in my eras Era
Last time we spoke I was heading to the Eras Tour in Edinburgh. It was everything I hoped for and more. Edinburgh is already a magical city and seeing it being taken over for the weekend by Swifties was really something.
I was most surprised to find I absolutely adored The Tortured Poets Department era. Despite my initial criticisms of the album, it continues to grow on me. Outwith the surprise songs, as seen above, it was my favorite era.
After the show, I came down with a bout of post Eras tour depression (It’s a thing, Google it) and could only cure it by snapping up last minute tickets for Wembley. Now I am dealing with another bout of post Eras tour depression plus a horrendous cold from shaking it off with 88,000 other fans and a few Royals.
While I was successful in nabbing last minute tickets, I was less successful navigating the commute home. A series of unfortunate events meant we spent about the same amount of time travelling as we did at the gig; 4.5 hours from one side of London to the other, roughly equivalent to the time Paramore and Taylor are on stage for.
In the very final leg of our journey, at 2:15am, a man approached my sister and I at the bus stop.
We were exhausted, weary and peckish. We’d missed the 1:30am bus by five minutes and the 2:00am bus that should have shown up 20 minutes ago.
He pointed to my Eras tour wristband, which was miraculously still flashing bright lights through my cardigan.
“What is that?” he asked.
“It’s from a concert, I just haven’t switched it off,” I said, more interested in seeing if our bus was arriving.
“You are pretty,” he said.
“Sorry, what did you say?” I responded with a puzzled expression.
I never get hit on or even randomly complimented. No, not even by creepy old men. It’s one of the few benefits of having a resting bitch face — or as a kind local homeless man once put it a “weird face.”
(I have on occasion been told I am completely oblivious to being hit on, but who’s to say we can trust those sources.)
“You are pretty,” he said again. “Do you have a boyfriend?”
“……Yes I do, sorry!” I said.
“You don’t seem too sure of that, well, have a nice night,” he said.
am i the asshole?
I do not have a boyfriend. I just wanted the conversation to end.
I was caught off guard. It wasn’t a conversation I was expecting to be having after a Taylor Swift concert in front of my sister and a group of 20-odd weary late-night travellers.
But was it fair for me to shut it down? I have spent years lamenting how horrible the online dating scene is and how no one is spontaneous anymore. I also spend copious amounts of time trying to think of the killer app to replace online dating. Yet when someone approached me outside the context of a tiny digital screen, I panicked and shut them down.
He wasn’t bad looking, he took a chance — in front of a busy bus stop of travellers — and he was polite, not pushy, when he could sense my hesitation.
Days later, I started wondering, in true Reddit style, whether I am the asshole?
No wonder, no one is spontaneous in dating when people, like me, give responses like that. I was unintentionally cold, as I so often am.
But I still think there was something off about the whole encounter. And it speaks to a few general problems I’ve found with dating at the moment.
timing is everything
Guys can’t read the room. Minutes after our interaction I felt guilty about my response. Did I need to be so cold and so suspicious of a stranger? Will it put them off ever approaching someone in the future?
But then again, should I feel guilty? It was 2:15 am! Everything, we’ve been taught as women is to be suspicious of men’s intentions late at night. Hell, there’s plenty of evidence that we should be cautious and suspicious in broad daylight.
And it’s a bus stop with a known phone snatching problem. I was exhausted, frazzled, sweaty and moany. I had every right to be suspect of someone of why someone was trying to get my attention when everything about my demeanour screamed FED UP — do not approach.
If he had read the room and said something like: “I can tell you are a little preoccupied right now, but you look really interesting and I’d like to get to know you better. Could I get your number?” that might have sat better.
It’s a real problem on dating apps. You might be interested in someone you’ve matched with, you are having a good conversation but suddenly they are coming on too strong. A shift in demeanour gives them a chance to save themselves and recover from their misstep, but so often they just persist then wonder why we ghost?
I don’t know if this persistence is just what comes with dating in your late 20s and early 30s. Guys on dating apps, who are truly seeking long-term relationships, all seem to want to jump three steps ahead when we’ve only just met.
There’s no getting to know each other. It’s an all or nothing approach.
The bus stop scenario is a good example of this. I was completely oblivious to bus stop guy’s existence until he appeared literally in front of me. There was no cute eye contact back-and-forth or flirtations. He suddenly went from an innocuous question to asking if I had a boyfriend. It’s jarring and it’s a type of interaction that happens all the time with dates from the apps.
While I might like someone’s picture or description on the app, it’s not the same as meeting in real life. I need some time to suss out the person in front of me and find out who they really are.
Yet I’ve found that for men, from the apps, the image they’ve crafted of me from my Hinge profile enough for them. We haven’t moved beyond discussing the one character trait that seemed to hook them in —whether that be a shared interest in golf or baseball — and already they are planning future dates.
They seem much more infatuated with the concept of a relationship, or that we have a shared interest, rather than with who I actually am as a person.
I feel the tables have turned. I remember in my university years it used to be guys running away from relationships. Now it’s me.
I often wonder if this type of behaviour is driven by male loneliness (men reportedly hit peak loneliness at age 35) combined with the instant gratification we’ve become accustomed to through increased social media usage. Men want a relationship and they want it now.
Call me old fashioned, but let’s flirt and vibe for five minutes before we plan the third date? Just because we both like golf doesn’t mean it’s a Love Story.
- Kari